[Two Pronged] Still going on 11 years without sex

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

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Dear Two Pronged,

I read the article in response to my letter.

Q: “Do you truly have no idea why she changed?”

I can only guess. I surmise that maybe she was frustrated and simply gave up on it. I remember a night where she tried on new lingerie. I was very enthusiastic. Not mentioning any more intimate details of our lovemaking, (I’m a bit of a prude) I think we both tried to make the best of a malfunctioning situation, namely me, but the gist of it is still, one day in the middle of our second year of marriage, she just stopped trying. And it’s continued on this way for 11 years and counting.

I know it’s very rare and unlikely that a middle-aged man could be thoroughly in love with his wife, specially if he isn’t getting any, even from somewhere on the sidelines or clubs, but I’m not cheating on my wife. 

My dad and mom separated when I was 4. I had a messed up childhood. I swore that if ever I got married, I’d never commit the same mistakes my parents did. I’m literally a one woman kind of guy. I stay the course. Through thick and thin, richer or for poorer, sickness and in health.

BAER: What sort of a relationship do you both have if there are no children, no sex and no communication? 

It’s more of a roommate-ish status. We both eat at the same table, sleep on the same bed, share the bathroom. We communicate. We go out on walks, watch movies together, eat out although rarely. We’re both home-buddies. 

I am her husband but never get lucky. She’s the kind of girl that receives morning pecks but rarely reciprocates in kind. I try to make the best of that, which is practically nothing. Love is great and all, but as I mentioned in my previous email, I prefer passion. I don’t get that from her. Ever.

BAER: “Turning to your second milestone, you cast no light whatsoever on why you suddenly want to annul your marriage. The only issue you mention is sex yet it seems to have taken 9 years of drought to awaken your interest in changing your status.”

11 years of a sexless marriage should be enough suffering, don’t you think? 

My trainer can barely survive 2 months without it, and here I am, masturbating in my twelfth year of marriage. I’ve wanted to try things to change things up. Swingers clubs, spouse exchange, whatever that could possibly work to wake her up. I read in an article somewhere that the ultimate purpose of agreeing to a trial separation is to find reasons to get back together, improve life, improve our relationship with each other. I wanted to try that too. She doesn’t, which is why we never did it.

No, nothing has changed since you last received my email. No sex, no hope in sight. There’s still camaraderie between us. Love and care, certainly.

But must I, should I, settle for love and care? Can I not have what I want: passion? Must I live in hopelessness and abject misery, blackest depression for my poor penis that hasn’t seen any action since my late twenties?

Jonah

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Dear Jonah,

Thank you very much for your letter. Since your letter responds mainly to Mr Baer’s questions, we decided he should do most of the answering. My only contribution is this: In therapy, your initial response to your client may mirror how others feel about him. 

Mr Baer occasionally felt you obfuscated and tried to excuse behavior you had responsibility for. If your wife felt similarly towards you, this may partly explain her lack of passion; a hypothesis we can respond to more fully, should you write to us once more.    

All the best,

MG Holmes

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Dear Jonah,

“I surmise that maybe she was frustrated and simply gave up on it.” It is surprising that you did not have conversations with Lily to improve your sex life, given how important you tell us it was to you.

Your anecdote about the, lingerie, however gives a possible explanation – your malfunctioning. 

If improvement in your condition was within your control (say giving up smoking) and you failed to do what was required, she may have decided that enough was enough and given up herself. 

And this still leaves unanswered such questions as whether given your problem you and Lily explored non-penetrative options like oral sex, a solution frequently adopted by say sufferers from ED.

“Swingers clubs, spouse exchange, whatever that could possibly work to wake her up” – these are surprising suggestions from someone who claims “I’m literally a one woman kind of guy.”

Of course, you have told us next to nothing about Lily (except her lack of interest in sex) but if she is “a one man kind of gal” then your suggestions are very unlikely to be welcome.

Why do you suddenly want to annul your marriage? “11 years of a sexless marriage should be enough suffering” totally misses the point, perhaps deliberately, and anyway you state proudly that you will stay the course.

That explains why you have endured 11 sexless years but not why you now want an annulment.

Perhaps you need to spend a little less time bemoaning your own fate and a little more time talking to Lily about why your sex life dwindled to nothing and what can be done to resuscitate it. It will take both of you to resolve this and considerable amounts of self awareness, willingness to compromise, and demonstrations of sacrifice for the common cause so you are fortunate that you start with the love and care you mention.

Best of luck,

JAF Baer

– Rappler.com

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately, the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.