Dear Thelma: He wants us to have a baby but we’re deep in debt

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A difficult situation.

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I have been married for four years, after knowing my husband for almost 10 years. He is six years older than me, and will be 40 this year. We broke up once as I couldn’t stand his debt issues, during the third or fourth year of our relationship. I went back to him as I thought he went into debt to fulfill my wants. He is a good man with a charming smile. Yet, hidden behind his good image is a man who has abused me many times, with words and beatings.

I was fed up with all that and asked him to leave immediately. I thought I’d be happy but instead my world shut down. I was always thinking of his good side instead of his dark side. I couldn’t control my feelings and kept disturbing him at his workplace. From your letter, you have a rocky past. Some people will focus on that when you talk to them. However, what I see is a superb foundation for positive change.

First, you can make changes for yourself, but you can’t make changes for your husband. He needs to get his own help. He should consult a professional to help him manage his violence and anger. He might also talk to them about why he wants a baby and how being a father will affect his life. Also, he needs practical help managing his debt.

As the mental health work will be quite intensive, look for a person with at least a Masters Degree in psychology, counselling or social work. I suggest you call Talian Nur at 15999 to ask for a referral, or to contact your local council to see if they have a service.

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