My dad died five years ago. I’ve learned it’s better to talk about death imperfectly than not at all | Owen Jones

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I discovered that breaking the taboo of talking about loss was vital for healing, says Guardian columnist Owen Jones

I didn’t have a proper vocabulary to talk about loss, but discovered that breaking the taboo was vital for healing

Just over two weeks later, he was dead, but he wouldn’t have felt disappointment in that moment of finality. Sometimes I wonder if he could hear his family in that hospice, whispering their love, or the baritone notes of the Bruce Springsteen songs we played. Before he fell ill, he used to loop around his armchair, clicking his fingers and roaring out the chorus as he listened to the Boss. His eyes seemed to moisten in those final moments, too.

It seems difficult to believe that it has been five years since that moment, because – even now – I haven’t abandoned that childhood self-deception that parents are immortal deities. Having a dad just seems a permanent part of life’s architecture. Now, with every passing year, he becomes more of a historical persona, something belonging to the past, predating the sorts of grand upheavals that he would have yearned to discuss, like the pandemic or the invasion of Ukraine.

We avoid talking about death, of course, for understandable reasons, but that doesn’t make it a healthy way of dealing with it. We fear it for ourselves and for those we love. Loss is painful, but irreversible, so expending energy may seem like inviting hurt for no reward. For me, it’s become clearer why I’ve needed to process his final moments: so they don’t become the defining memory of who he was.

 

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