Did I just pay someone to bash me up? The horror of a rough massage | Brigid Delaney

Photograph: Manusapon Kasosod/Getty ImagesPhotograph: Manusapon Kasosod/Getty ImagesIt is a truth universally acknowledged that an author who hands in her manuscript must be in want of a good physiotherapist.

All the lights were off. There was a black vinyl couch that had been slashed in parts and a pallet of bottled water on the ground. But otherwise it looked abandoned. Deane said nothing but took out a large knife from her apron. Woah! I saw the flash of the blade as she suddenly advanced towards me, before bending at the waist, plunging the knife into the pallet of water and stabbing furiously at the plastic.

Ten minutes passed. I felt vulnerable under the tiny towel. Then a door opened. I recognised Deane from her pair of Crocs. Then …Deane must have had an implement – no human hand could be that strong. She hit me again, even harder this time, and I protested. “That hurts! It’s sore there.” Deane agreed. “Yes, it’s very sore there,” before striking me again with the club.Suddenly the Crocs disappeared. I heard a grunt and felt the table buckle. What? Deane was up there with me.

I would sit on the beach on various holidays and watch people pay to be assaulted by tiny women. Very entertaining

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