A catalogue of losses: what chronic fatigue took away from my life

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Whether anybody else could see it or not, I had lost someone: my former, healthy self.

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Mike Mariani at his home in Roseville, California. The author was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndromewith photographs by Jason Henryn Friday, 14 December 2012, I would experience the sudden onset of an illness that, looking back almost a decade later, bears a powerful resemblance to the narratives of those suffering from long Covid.

Working out wasn’t just a way for me to stay healthy; it was more intimate and elevated, akin to a kind of religious ritual. Gyms, courts and fields were the places I went to achieve spiritual sublimation and emotional catharsis, plugging myself into something soothing, dynamic and primal.Now, though, whenever I went for a run or played a game of pickup basketball, I felt foggy and weak for hours or even days, as if I’d been suddenly thrust into a bout with the flu.

When it came up positive, I felt as though some degree of coherence had been restored. The symptoms of mono largely matched what I was experiencing, and the virus’s enervating effects could persist for months. lost someone: my former, healthy self. Early on, a procession of sanguine doctors and my own friends and family assured me I would soon get better. For a long time, many doubted I had anything seriously wrong with me, and the steady accumulation of normal laboratory tests only bolstered that conviction. They helped lay denial’s groundwork for me.ver time, my denial – slipping the rope of the traditional “anger” stage of grief – shifted to bargaining.

To address my baffling predicament, it seemed, was to acknowledge the frightening messiness of the human condition. This near-universal habit of evasiveness and avoidance confused and upset me. Did people simply not care about my suffering, about the grievous diminishment that had shrunk the borders of my life? The indifference I perceived in others eventually stirred something bitter and foul inside of me, an ugly indignation that kept itself concealed but grew larger with each passing month.

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chronicfatigue Autoimmune disorders became more prevalent with prenatal and lifetime exposure to an increasing number of environmental pollutants, less sunlight exposure during prenatal development, gut microbiome depletion, insufficient nocturnal melatonin production. .

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